Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline
630-482-9696
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
Depression and Bipolar Support
800-273-TALK (8255)
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
Crisis Call Center800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
With that said, here's it is:
"I'm not good enough," the words barely came out, but once they had, an involuntary gasp escaped her chapped lips and she clapped her hands over her mouth as she lost all of the strength in her legs. Completely collapsed, she curled up on the ground. Body shaking and head between her knees, she began to cry. Not an incessant whimper, nor a deafening sob, but a cry so real, so painful, the breath from her lungs had escaped her and her cries made no sound. She moved her hands up to her head and interlaced her fingers through the roots in her hair as she sat up and looked in the mirror.
"Peyton Moore, Peyton Moore, Peyton Moore," she repeated her name out loud, in a shaky voice, hoping each time it might taste better on her tongue. All it did was increase the hollowness in her chest and make her stomach drop.
She pulled at her hair and screamed, glaring at her pathetic tear stained reflection. She searched her large, green eyes for a sense of familiarity or comfort, but found none. She hardly knew herself. This Peyton she saw in the mirror felt foreign and made her skin crawl. This lost, psychotic girl couldn't be the same girl from last month.
The Peyton from last month was comfortable behind her fake smile. She sang the loudest in choir and talked to all the new students. She was dating the quarterback on the football team, despite how horrible he was, and had more friends than she could count. She felt beautiful in her own skin, ate regularly, and had a healthy sleep schedule. And she would have never done drugs or gotten drunk on a school night.
Where did that girl go?
Now she realized she had never been so high and lonely. No one wanted her.
She had stopped eating. Not necessarily because she was fat, but because she just didn't care anymore. Didn't remember to eat. Couldn't force herself to hydrate her body.
Glancing up at herself, she realized some of the changes in her face. Dark circles surrounded her glossy eyes and her cheeks looked sunken and hollow.
She moved her hands down slowly and swept some of her long, black hair off of her shoulders, and cringed. Her tattooed collarbones jutted out. Letting her eyes trail farther down, her chest size had decreased dramatically, and her ribs were more noticeable than normal. She laid down on the carpet, and looked farther down. Her stomach was sunken in and hip bones prominent. She finally had the thigh gap so many other sixteen year old girls strived for.
She was skinny before, but even more so now. That's good. Right? Why didn't it feel like enough?
Why did she drive everyone she cared about away?
Her best friend told her she couldn't handle her anymore. She wasn't worth it to Kara. After six years of being inseparable, through thick and thin, she just left.
Peyton's boyfriend dumped her right after the pregnancy scare. Their relationship was sick and unhealthy anyways. He was mentally and physically abusive. Looking back, the first time he ever hit her was when she told him she wasn't in the mood to have sex. Skyler didn't like not getting his way. Why didn't she break up with him right after that? Because he kept apologizing and saying he'd do better. He was just stressed because Coach had been riding his ass ever since the last game against Oakcreak, he didn't mean to hit her.
Her parents had been traveling the world the past six months assuming she liked the house to herself. What they didn't know was they didn't even know their own daughter. Most teenagers would throw parties every night if they had the house to themselves. The past month, she just sat in her room with the door locked. Smoked a bowl every couple of hours, and drowned herself in vodka till the scary thoughts went away.
How did she fall into this pit of depression? Nothing huge happened. Right? She shouldn't feel like this. But she had no one to talk to.
Since Skyler had dumped her, everyone started calling her a whore. The teachers heard the rumors, and stopped liking her as much.
She had gotten so used to being that girl that everyone liked. Popular because of Skyler, and Kara being the president of student council. She took all of it for granted. No one stays forever. Everyone leaves at some point.
She just never thought she'd be an outcast. Disgusted by her own reflection and talking to herself because there was no one else to listen.
Peyton's shaking restarted and she sat back up.
She grabbed the vodka bottle and looked at her reflection again, "I'm not good enough."
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